I have a confession to make; I am a romantic. A chocolate giving, rose giving, letter writing romantic. When I was a slightly overweight kid, I was always in love with the idea of love. I would daydream about a particular girl in class, and figure out what exactly I could write to her in a letter to get her attention. I would even throw a little Shakespeare vibe in there. “Come though my dear; and let’s sit among the lilies, and stareth into each other’s eyes.”
Then, I would quickly pass her desk while dropping off the note like a FedEx package, then sit in anticipation trying to figure out when she would have time to read the note in class.
In the past, I was always pegged , as the guy who was too emotional. In relationships, I would always be the person in the relationship, that cares too much, and then, in the future, my heart would get trampled on. I was the "nice guy,” who was too easy to predict and too reliable. The girls I dated would would go party at night with the bad boy, and then come back in the morning to be held and consoled by me, the nice guy.
Sad, but true.
I had to understand something, that shifted my entire life emotionally. No matter how much I loved romance and the beauty of women, I had to love Ulysses. I would hear this stated so many times, but what did that mean? I also had to understand, young love means “I can’t live with out you”. Mature love is, “ Life is richer with you”. I needed to pursue that kind of love that added to my life, not completed my life. Which means, I had to do a lot of work to build up my emotional wealth, so that I was already rich on my own.
For me, it translated into, not being afraid to spend time alone. Not being afraid to take myself out to dinner, and most importantly give myself the amazing time that I would dream of giving others. I am such a giver and sharer that it took me years to learn how to celebrate myself because otherwise, I was in the position of hoping others could distribute the love to me, I needed to give to myself. Life became much easier… I also made an inner confession.
I will not pursue women anymore.
To clarify, what I had to understand was that I was literally exhausting myself and my heart pursuing women, and the result of it not working out was painful. So, I began to become bitter, and pinning preconceived ideas of failure or disinterest onto innocent people who hadn’t even shown me who they were yet.
I had to also end putting myself in situations where my capacity to love was a 100 gallon tank, and I was encountering 10 gallon tank lovers. I needed to truly fill my tank with love , so that I could attract people with the same capacity to love, because I ultimately will attract who I am.
For the first time, I was able to catch my emotional breathe.
The really cool thing is, once I did the emotional work on my heart, it allowed my eyes to open and recognize a beautiful and pure soul that had been in my life the whole time patiently waiting for me to get some sense and my shit together lol!
Sometimes, pain can blind you, but now, in the absence of pain and in the face of healing, I can see clearly.
Am I a romantic still?
Yes. Do I still write beautiful poems, and love letters? Yes. But now, I only do these things for the person who matches my capacity to love, as we sit and cuddle, share a bowl of popcorn, a few well crafted margaritas and some beautiful Dark French Chocolate together.