Angry with God

Going back to when I was 17, I prayed and asked God to allow me to move to New York City to attend the college of my choice, a college that i felt was a part of my destiny. God honored that request, and afterward, I felt I didn’t deserve what God had blessed me with because I knew my Bible had dust on it, and my prayer life was inconsistent, yet God honored my deep desire. 

So I shifted, and I became more principled and more focused. I really began to seek a spiritual and focused life for my self that was rooted in gratitude. Clearly, God had something special for me… inspirit of me. So, God and I were good. I was even living a celibate lifestyle completely, and I was fasting and praying consistently. I was constantly reading and discovering more about my spiritual walk. 

All of sudden around the age of 27 my relationship with God changed. I started having relationship problems in my dating and previous married life. My family was going through major transitions emotionally, and to be completely honest, I was over God. I felt that scriptures and prayer and all of my hard work honestly was in vain. I question why was I seeking to live, “upright”.

I took a complete 180 degree turn. I stopped praying, stopped reading, stopped being celibate, stopped going to church, stopped listening to sermons. Basically, I wanted to get as far away from anything God focused as possible. I even cut off all of my Godly friends because I was done with God. This lasted honestly about seven years. 

It wasn’t till the beginning of this year that I realized, I was angry with God. 

I felt I had done everything He told me to and nothing worked out as I planned and on top of that, I had a huge hole in my heart and daily committed myself to things that numbed me. 

I had a talk with God, and I told Him that I was angry with Him because my marriage didn’t work out, and I felt there opportunities that I missed, and I was mad.

After I prayed, I heard this still small voice say to me, “I love you.” I began to weep, and heard that voice also say, “You are angry with me for something you never consulted me about that I allowed but did not create.”

I was done…

I had built up this resentment from all of these actions and reactions to this life, and blamed Him. I was also so addicted to forcing things to happen in my life,and then getting mad when things didn’t work. 

Friends, I surrendered!

It feels good to wave the white flag and beckon for help. So, I backtracked, and I told God that I love Him. I also told myself that I love and forgive myself for my mistakes.

My life completely, shifted and my spiritual practices began to reappear but with what more compassion and balance in my life. 

I now understand that God is my source, and my spiritual walk has many dimensions and so much substance now. I feel like a couple that has been through so much together, and even though there love isn’t based on the absence of pain or disappointment, they’ve learned how to triumph over the realities of life. 

I am no longer angry with God. Instead , I am grateful to him for giving me life, purpose, health, and strength and for showing me how to love myself and the fearfully, wonderfully made created: me.