Confidently Lost

June 12

You ever have one part of life constantly coming upon green lights, and the other part of your life, a sea of red lights?

Ever experience, hearing “Yes” on one side of the room, but in the other room, it’s a sea of “No’s”?

I had to really unpack this the other day, and what I had to honestly admit is that I have experienced a loss of confidence in a really important area of my life personally. The funny thing is because of the male ego, I had to given that “loss” so many other titles; skepticism, being smart about the situation, not having enough time, or just being focused. 

All of that was complete and utter bullshit.

I was scared of being rejected and losing, because somehow when I get rejected and feel loss, it affects my internal value. The way that I want to see myself daily is impeded greatly when I experience rejection. I begin to ask myself questions like “Could it be true that I am not that special?”

Ha!

The interesting thing about being in tune with myself, is that there are certain habits and actions that become difficult for me when I am running from something. For instance, when I refuse to be honest with myself, I can’t write that clearly, I avoid certain people, and I become a little jaded and bitter. I almost try to beat life at being negative or I try to apply rejection to myself first, so I don’t have to experience it from others. 

Newsflash, rejection happens to everyone. Another newsflash is that everything and everyone is not for me. Even though I tell myself that everything and everyone is not for me, and you may say that to yourself as well, I believe internally there is a little part of me deep down that still wants to be wanted by everything and everyone that I want, and when that doesn’t happen, it literally fucks with me day and night.

I wanted to write about this honestly, so I could expose this flaw first to myself, and acknowledge it, so with God’s power and love, I can overcome this. 

The great drummer, Tony Williams stated, “You are 75% on your way to solving any problem, when you are aware of it.”

I am now fully aware that I have experienced a loss of confidence in a particular area of my personal life, and I am seeking to regain that confidence daily.

The Blues of Overthinking

Confession, I over-think the shit out of everything. I am a Sagittarius, so that kind of comes with the territory. 

But hear me out, I am talking about overthinking texts messages (re-reading them constantly and trying to see the subliminal subtexts and undertones), looking at emails, sent and received and just making sure that I was clear. 

It’s hilarious, overthinking what I will wear, which is why I prefer to just wear a hoodie, T-shirt, jeans and sneakers. I might throw on the blazer so people don’t think I am completely ratchet, Ha!

But I mean this over-thinking can work in my favor sometimes, because it makes me really think things through and be prepared for most everything that occurs, until some shit goes down that I didn’t think of. Or I actually thought of it, but I didn’t think I had the possibility of it happening. lol! 

So how do I handle my overthinking without making people think I am crazy? Umm, haven’t mastered that yet, because I am human and the reality is, I just want to manage it better. 

The other day I was having a glass of wine with a friend, and she and I were mentally sparring. We were on a roll, until I said something that was a product of my overthinking. She stopped and said, “I don’t know where you got that U. I have never implied that thought ever, and that’s some overthinking happening over there in your head.”

I was called out!

So I had to think, that I overthink a lot. 

Sidebar.

So everything, I mean everyone used to tell me, “U, you need to learn how to spend time by yourself and get comfortable with you.” They felt I was exuding behavior of neediness, which also means, after they gotten what they need from my interactions, they wanted me to vanish, in love, but still vanish. 

What that did for me is to make me face the fears of being alone: face them so good that I literally started to prefer to be alone more than with other folks, to the point where people are now like, “you need to let people in, and not be so much of an introvert/loner. You won't accomplish everything alone.”

Don’t you love how people change like the wind? Ha!

What made me grow comfortable with being alone, was that I started being self critical so I could do the work on becoming a better person, and present in the moment. 

Then of course to really fully re-live the moment, I invite the overthinking part of me back to the table to question everything that happened. Jk!

Shout out to the fellow over-thinkers out there; may we give our brains an occasional rest from time to time.