I had the most interesting discovery a few weeks ago, as a result of a disagreement with someone very dear to me about something incredibly minimal. This friend had come to me in a polite manner and asked me if I could adjust how I did something around my home when they visit. I took it as they didn’t appreciate my time, or the fact that I make time for them in my home, and I immediately became uber sensitive. I kept making a bigger deal about it and didn’t understand why. Yes, I can be childish sometimes, and it literally took me 48 hours to understand what was really bothering me and to get over my feelings.
Reality: I can be all up in my feelings sometimes; blame it on the artistry.
The word came to me: triggers.
Have you ever asked someone to help you with something and they said “no,” or that they were "unavailable,” and that felt like a rejection or like they didn't care about you? Instead of just saying to yourself, "they can’t help me at this moment,"you made that "no" mean so much more?
As I mature and accumulate more experiences, I find that the challenge becomes deciphering these experiences, and keeping the present moment unattached from my baggage, or at least unaffected by the triggers it may bring up.
For example, there have been gigs that eventually didn’t work out for me for a myriad of reasons: the musical relationship may have started to unravel in minor ways or from small requests that I adjust something musically. So even in a situation when I know an artist desires to have me on stage or in the studio with them, when they ask me to adjust my playing in some way, this request has made me feel like they didn't really want me, or that it was an indication of the detoriation of our connection.
How did I, and do I resolve this feeling?
I face it fully, and I analyze whether there is a real or justifiable fear or if I am just responding to something that is making me feel afraid.
During my recent meditation time, I have been challenged with several mantras. Of those mantras, “Stay Clean” is something I have been praying and meditating on; making the decision to keep my thoughts pure and clear. I constantly have to meditate this reality because it can be tough to address the depth in which something affects me. The journey is not only to soften the effect of my triggers, and to disconnect them from unrelated matters, but also to know that these triggers exist and to really understand my feelings deeper.
The truth is, I may never be able to remove triggers completely, but if I am aware of them, and am not sensitive just for the sake of being sensitive, then I'll know how to prepare for the reality of them. My goal is to be able to hear people beyond my own sensitivity and baggage, in order to create understanding.