I remember first falling in love when I was in the 2nd grade. Her name was Andrea. There was something about Andrea that really piqued my interest. I remember how she walked around the classroom, and I would follow her with my eyes everywhere she went. I honestly don't think Andrea had the same affinity for me that I had for her and introducing myself to her was very much out of the question because I was terribly shy. So what I did was strategically place myself in a position where she would notice me. But that didn't work!
In 4th Grade the same thing; there was a girl in my class that I liked and I was mustering the courage that had very much evaded me with Andrea; surely now that I was mature and had lived some life, to ask this young lady out to ice cream and begin our eternal love. I felt really ready to conquer my fears, but…
Didn't work again…
What was I already beginning to look for at these tender ages? I didn't really know what love was. Didn't know companionship, and couldn't even handle a date if it came and asked me out! So what was my heart beckoning for?
FAST FORWARD to a conversation I had with one of my mentors who discovered a new mentor for himself. His mentor said to him, "John , you and I work within this friendship because we confirm each other's insanity!"
I thought: WOW!
Have you ever heard someone say, "Man she just gets me”?
"I feel like I can tell him/her anything , and he/she just understands immediately where I am coming from”.
"You know man, if you would just listen to me, and hear what I am trying to say to you, you would understand why this isn't working."
In my experience when I have had bonds that work, it's because we confirm each other's insanity. No one argues, rather our ideals or points of views are legitimatized, and finding another person that agrees, echoes or at least identifies with me, makes everything flow a little better.
REWIND to 11th grade when I met my high school sweetheart. We fell in love, out of love, in love, and out of love again, all in like a year and a half. Resolve as most of these relationships that it was merely for a space in time in which our environments and state of mind had more to do with our bond, than destiny.
December 2001, in New York City, I met my soul mate. A person not with whom I was in love, but a person who confirmed my insanity with intersecting thoughts and ideas stemming from childhood all
way up to that present moment of being an eighteen year old. It was interesting because it always seemed difficult for me to find a woman who mentally appeased me, philosophically piqued my interest, intellectually challenged me, spiritually encouraged me, and artistically exposed me to new experiences all while being scrumptious eye candy too. Ha!
I finally met the twin to my insanity…
Life felt different; like I had a base beneath my feet that never shifted. Because every time I felt off kilter, I could speak to this woman who would confirm my insanity and affirm my feelings. My world was spinning effortlessly, and correctly on its axis.
I love the moment(s) in life when you meet someone who no longer makes you feel weird. This person no longer makes you feel as though life is this dreadful place in which you have to wear one face in public, and a completely different face behind closed doors.
When I met this woman who confirmed my insanity, I could compare scars and blemishes with her, discussing how we would treat the acne of our emotional lives that never permanently goes away, but is built into the core of our emotional skin.
Confirming my insanity means that we can both sit in a room emotionally still, being present in our worlds, understanding there is a great resolve and understanding hovering amongst us. When it's time to speak, the words have reason, and harmony.
What happened to my soulmate? Well after many years, my insanity shifted! I became insane in a direction that she didn't, so what at once felt mutual and at ease was no longer.
The definition of insanity is when you keep doing something the same way over and over and expecting a different result.
So what am I really looking for?
I have looked in the mirror, and completely understand; I am insane:) But still looking to meet someone that confirms it.