We Need Café's (For Abdi & Hollis)

We Need Cafes(For Abdi & Hollis)

I woke up in morning excited, I couldn't wait … Not to check my Facebook requests, or new Twitter followers. Not to see my Instagram likes, my “DMs” or even to see how many emails about opportunities I received that would guarantee my financial future… No, I was excited, rushed to the shower, took my vitamins, ignored the texts that were buzzing, so I could rush out of my house, and go to "The Cafe".

I was excited because cafes are everything, and the walk into the cafe is the experience of the cafe to me. You walk in, and bam… there it is: the smell of coffee brewing, the baking of croissants, cool tunes spinning, people reading, writing, typing… MOST OF ALL, the loudest sh*t I hear is the greatest sound in the world:

The Meeting of Minds!

I have always loved going to cafes since I was 16. It was at the cafe where I lost and found myself all in the same day. There was a cafe attached to the Barnes & Noble in my hometown. I would go there because as an aspiring jazz musician, it was the place where I could actually feel comfortable. I could read my drum magazines and order a hot chocolate. Then I could go over to the music side and literally peruse through all of the Jazz CDs, studying the art of each album cover. Then I would usually see some really cute girl, I would look at her then her beautiful smile would quickly lose my attention because wait… Is that a new Roy Hargrove record ? (Attention Diverted)

However, current times, I am at this long awaited cafe in Harlem. I walk in and I am in love. I order the delicacies that will be the culinary tapestry for my stomach today. Then walks in my mentor and friend ready to philosophically spar! After he has ordered his Cafe con Leche, with an almond croissant, he begins.

"Diversification or Starvation"…

We spar, he hits a right jab, I hit a left, then he knocks me out cold with this blow…

"Never do anything unless you have 5 reasons"

Then another sage enters the cafe, a writer and a friend. We all embrace, joke and jest. The connection and introductions have been made. (RINGING OF THE BELL)

Fight is back on, and now we have a third opponent.

He starts:

"Artwork is the escape of death. You enter into the eternal when you create art because you will be forever remembered".

I am now knocked out for a 2nd time.

He asks the waiter for real sugar for his Cafe Americano before pulling out his computer and saying , "Oh you're a drummer, read my latest writing".

"A Requiem For Harlem"…

I read it, am inspired and completely re-charged. He tells me that he encountered these beautiful drummers in Harlem playing rhythmic lamentations because Harlem is no more. They were playing to accompany Adam because Adam Clayton Powell (the statue) is alone. There is nothing reflecting his previous existence in the world, and now facing him is a Starbucks. The Harlem he built, is no more…

We take a break, and my mentor instructs me to leave my things and go with him outside. We must eternalize this moment.

He takes photos. (We are now Eternal)

We return inside and I surmise to myself: we need cafes.

The world is becoming much smaller with the invention of social media but colder because there are so many ways to connect with people without really connecting with them.

How do we connect without connecting? In romantic and intimate connections, how do you date without dating?

How do you express attraction having never sat over a cup of tea together? Wanting to order more tea; but your fear is if you get up from the table, that exact look of enchantment in your interest's eyes might change and you don’t want to risk that. It’s in their eyes, that you see the possibility of a brighter tomorrow, so your next cup of tea can wait...

How do you say I need you, if you've never read a book together?

How can I say I want to be around you, if I never sat across from you sneaking looks of you while you read.

Or… How can I know how alluring you are , if I am walking down the aisles of a book store and walk by you, rushing to that section of books I want to discover, that I am stopped in my tracks by the whiff of your perfume. I then realize the book I needed is next to your book and I will stretch this moment as long as I can just so I can meditate on the scent of your perfume because it smells like the woman I always wanted. The pacing of your footsteps are enamored with a patience and an ease of a woman I'd love to count the stars with, under an Aspen Moon.

I am Unfriending you, so I can really be your friend

We need cafes. We need spaces and environments that inspire us to create a connection. An opportunity to truly request a friend, and accept friendship with a true bonding experience all within a day.

These days we have fragmented friendships. We have divided and compartmentalized them into requests, pokes and notifications.

My next notification for you will be an instant message, requesting you, poking you and following you to a cafe to sip a cup of coffee with me, and to friend my mind.

Meet me at the cafe, because I need you there!

You Are First Unfaithful to Yourself

I have been unfaithful for a very long time, at least for 5 years if I’m being honest. Some of this time I was in an intimate relationship and some of this time I wasn’t, but I was unfaithful just the same, because I was unfaithful to myself. My therapist (yes, I have a therapist. More on her later) often says: "Ulysses, you have to be aware of your hierarchy of needs". And I can tell you now, that my unfaithfulness to myself first began when I became unclear of my needs and comfortable being dishonest about my inner-truths.

2016 has been a year of so many realizations personally; and I finally faced myself. I decided to forget my credentials and the career achievements that have defined my character and lifestyle for many years and finally face myself, honestly. Waking up every day to emails, messages and calls requesting the Ulysses that produces and plays music, I became distracted and hid from myself. But a few months ago, I had a “eureka” moment when I realized that I had been unfaithful to myself and I finally had to look in the mirror and ask myself: Where did it (the unfaithfulness) start? When did I begin ignoring my consciousness and begin committing to actions that I knew would throw me out of alignment with myself? When did I so willingly surrender to the drunkenness of my impulses allowing them to take me on joyrides of bad decisions, fleeing sobriety? In addition to these questions, I went a little deeper and asked myself:

Are you faithful to every desire you want to fulfill in your life?

Answer: No. Since I was really young, I thought my love for music and my pursuit to be successful would solve every equation life threw at me. And for many years, it did. What I loved about being a kid, was that I could surrender to the cravings of my musical love. In school I was called the daydreamer because I literally surrendered to this dream that was inside of me, it led me everyday and informed every decision I made in my life. 

So, I made it- I am able to make a good living doing what I love. I have sacrificed relationships for it, missed important life events for family and friends,  all to be who I dreamed to be. So what’s next? Well, that was where I got stuck. I realized that living my professional dreams was only one facet of what would make me happy, and I wasn’t faithful or even clear about other desires I had; which is where the unfaithful seed was planted.

Are you faithful to your core spiritual practices ie: Prayer, Meditation, Passage Reading, Fasting?

Answer: I hadn’t been in a very long time. There was a time when I was very faithful to praying and fasting, but I had no idea how much the combination of these practices helped me.  In the middle of this unfaithful time; I was not following any of these practices, and it was another confirmation of how I got into this place.

When I honestly answered these questions, I realized that I set myself up for failure in relationships because my first act of infidelity was against myself and my principles. I thought I was lacking something or that something was missing so I began staring out of the window, instead of looking into the mirror, in other words searching outside myself. But the more I searched and thought I found, the more disappointed I became because I would always end up back with the same feelings of lack. I eventually identified that I was running in circles because the source of the problem was me and I can’t run away from myself. My whole philosophy about life is that most issues, especially when the matters of the heart are involved, can be resolved without another person in the room. The dynamic of any connection or relationship begins with you. Ironically, I didn’t understand this until I was knocked upside the head by the collateral damage my lack of awareness created.

Returning to the Source:

I had to acknowledge something that was really key in my transformational journey: I was very angry with God. I was angry because I felt a bit self-righteous. I felt that I was a good samaritan and that I tried to be kind and help people; and quite frankly my fleshly expectations were not met. In other words when I looked around me, I felt as though my life was not a reflection of the faithfulness I demonstrated spiritually. I had been in so much pain from making the right decisions and feeling like they didn’t work out, or that my expectations weren’t met from what I thought doing right would accomplish, that I just stopped; I fled from what I knew.

In addition to my anger towards God, I often tell people that being a successful traveling musician, requires that you remove or ignore many of your emotions. Your feelings of fatigue, missing those you love, and even your feelings about the particular job, and instead you must show up, be present and put on a great show, anyway. I became so good at this skill that as a result it numbed me in other areas of my life.

This year, I had to accept the reality of my own imperfection and the expressed vulnerability of that. I had to accept being okay with not being okay, and work through that openly and with no shame. This helped me come back to my spiritual core; because I was running around without an anchor and I knew that I wouldn’t sustain. So like the "prodigal son"; I returned home to myself.  I have had to learn how to daily make time to hear my inner voice. Many times a quiet space is the last place I want to go because it is the place where I feel my fears will overtake me. But there is a the difference between being overtaken by something versus experiencing feelings versus being greeted with the entire reality of any situation. Similarly, there is a difference between being alone and being lonely, a lesson I also had to learn. I was so afraid of being alone, because I thought loneliness came from being alone. But I learned to celebrate being alone; because I found the power in it, because being alone is not being lonely. I find in the times when I shut the world out for a moment and I begin to talk aloud any situation that I am dealing with, I can very quickly figure out how I want to resolve it.

What I love about life is that if we are blessed, we get to keep living it. Over time we gain clarity and new perspectives. I am so thankful that I was able to recognize how unfaithful I was because now I am on an ongoing pursuit to surround myself with thoughts and practices to stay faithful to myself first, and ultimately I hope to transfer this pursuit towards my other relationships.